San Francisco, CA – In a move that has rattled the financial sector and delighted fans of sepia-toned Instagram filters, Wells Fargo has officially cut ties with armored transport giant Brinks in favor of a bold new security strategy: 19th-century-style horse-drawn armored stagecoaches.
“We’re not just moving money, we’re moving history,” said Wells Fargo CEO Charlie Scharf, adjusting his leather duster while posing beside a freshly waxed stagecoach named The Dividend Express. “We realized that nothing says ‘security’ quite like a wooden carriage guarded by a man named Buck with a shotgun and a complicated relationship with modern hygiene.”
The stagecoaches, lovingly restored from dusty museum exhibits and Clint Eastwood movie sets, will now carry millions in cash and coinage across America’s urban jungles, navigating treacherous terrain like the I-405 and the Starbucks drive-thru lane.
Rather than traditional security guards, Wells Fargo has hired a small army of out-of-work cowboys, failed country music impersonators, and middle-aged moustache models previously employed by barbershop advertisements and questionable cologne brands.
“After I lost my gig modeling for ‘Saloon Swagger: The Scent of Regret,’ I thought my mustache had seen its last tumbleweed,” said Horace “Dusty” McThorn, a new hire and former Burt Reynolds stunt double. “Now I’m back in the saddle—literally—and getting dental insurance for the first time since the Carter administration.”
Company officials insist this is not merely a marketing gimmick but a cost-effective and “deeply authentic” response to consumer demand for “tactile banking experiences.”
“We’re embracing the spirit of the Old West,” said Head of Logistics Clementine Buckaroo, while lashing a bag of quarters to a saddle horn. “Our customers want to feel the thrill of a bank deposit arriving under the protective gaze of a squinting man in spurs.”
However, not everyone is riding high in the saddle. The move has raised eyebrows among safety experts and people who remember history.
“Look, these carriages top out at 7 miles per hour,” said financial analyst Linda Probst. “They’re more likely to be attacked by aggressive mallards than armed robbers. Also, the horses poop. A lot.”
Despite criticism, Wells Fargo is doubling down. A new app—“Pony Express”—will allow customers to track their cash via a real-time map dotted with saloons, ambush zones, and scenic Instagram selfie spots.
When asked what’s next for the company, CEO Scharf simply tipped his hat and said, “We’re considering telegrams for customer support. Nothing says service like a guy named Clem tapping Morse code with a whiskey bottle.”
Stay tuned. Or better yet, saddle up.
