Newark, NJ – Pharmaceutical giant GigaHealth has launched its latest weight-loss drug, “Thinnexxtra,” which promises to melt fat, boost confidence, and possibly cure loneliness—just don’t ask what’s in it.
Eager consumers flooded doctors’ offices requesting prescriptions before even learning if it’s a pill, patch, or suppository. “I don’t care where it goes,” said Stan Jorgenson, 43, from his seat at a drive-thru. “If it lets me keep eating bacon-wrapped burritos while shedding weight, I’ll inject it into my forehead.”
Thinnexxtra becomes the 17th FDA-approved obesity medication released this decade, all of which boasted “breakthrough results” before fizzling out somewhere between recall notices and disappointing TikTok reviews.
“This one feels different. Probably because it costs more.”
Health Experts Remain Baffled by Human Stubbornness
While drug manufacturers rake in billions, nutritionists and doctors continue screaming into the void about the radical, unprofitable concept of “eating real food and moving your body.”
“It’s wild,” said Dr. Elaine Walsh. “The formula hasn’t changed in 2,000 years: vegetables plus walking equals not dying early. But people act like we’re pitching alchemy.”
Government agencies have launched campaigns like “Move It or Lose It (Mobility)” and “Kale Isn’t a Conspiracy”, but most Americans prefer health advice that doesn’t interrupt screen time or involve chewing something green.
“People want a solution that requires zero effort and lets them keep eating cheese-stuffed donuts in bed,” Walsh sighed. “And science keeps enabling them because apparently kale doesn’t have a lobbying group.”
“We’ve lost the battle. They think quinoa is elitist.”
Side Effects May Include Irony and Enlightenment
As with previous obesity drugs, Thinnexxtra comes with a small disclaimer list of side effects including nausea, diarrhea, night sweats, phantom Dorito cravings, and minor existential dread.
Still, consumers appear undeterred. “My cousin got skinny on the last one,” said Carol Simmons, 58. “Sure, he grew a third nipple and screams at dogs now, but his wedding photos? Stunning.”
Meanwhile, fitness centers remain half-empty, while snack food sales hit record highs. Gym owners have pivoted by offering “Therapeutic Stretching for Scrolling” classes and “DoorDash Yoga,” where participants strike poses while waiting for tacos to arrive.
“I lost weight just reading the label. It took my appetite and my hope.”
With Thinnexxtra already trending under #InjectAndRegret, public optimism remains high—along with blood sugar levels. Health experts, meanwhile, continue their lonely crusade promoting fiber, hydration, and a brisk walk as if they were pushing medieval torture.
Whether Thinnexxtra is the miracle drug or just another step in the cycle of hype and heartburn, one thing is certain: As long as broccoli tastes like broccoli and stairs continue to be vertical, Big Pharma’s got job security.
